pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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