let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
