last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
