i think my tv is drunk
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
