Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
