I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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