You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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