"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
