It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
look no pants
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
