Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
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not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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