It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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