There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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