Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
