He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
