Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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