My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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