tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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