Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
