just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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