dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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