I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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