Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
