it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
