I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
