The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
