I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
