wanna go halves on a baby?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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