Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
