does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
