last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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