I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
