um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
