in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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