somebody snuck up and got me drunk
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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