Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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