Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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