dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
