i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Randomize
