New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
