Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
