and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
