3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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