So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
