hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
if only i could text you this smell
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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