why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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