The maid of honor just puked.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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