I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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