Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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