i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
