I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
