new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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