Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
