You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Never let your siblings swipe right.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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