How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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