Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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