We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
