You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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