Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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