mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
