It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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